20 Realities about Recovering from Love Addiction
By Jim Hall, MS, Relationship Recovery Expert
There is no question about it-- a love addict's ability to think clearly, rationally, and realistically-- gets often impaired when it comes to relationships.
For example, our thinking is impaired when we think that someone unable to love back will change and be different at some point; when we ignore or minimize obvious red flags or warning signs of a toxic person; when we blame ourselves for our partner's behaviors, thoughts, or feelings; when we take all the blame for a relationship going bad; and when we believe some person/relationship is the answer to provide us worth and value and a feeling that, 'I matter.'
Similarly--- regarding whether recovery, change, and healing are possible, love addicts thinking is also quite skewed. We may think that the pain of withdrawal will never go away; we may believe love will never happen again, that a future romantic relationship, a happy one at least, is impossible; or we may even be stuck with telling ourselves that the risk of losing him/her is better than being alone.
In essence... REALITY & TRUTH are nonexistent.
Part of the challenge to your recovery and ability to overcome your love addiction- is stepping into reality and discovering the truth.
Realities on Breaking Love Addiction
The following is a list, which I call "a reality wake-up-list" - to help you counter impaired (distorted beliefs, attitudes, or opinions) thoughts you may be having that seem to be very common for love addicts amid their love addiction. In other words - this is a shortlist to enlighten you on a number of realities, truths, and certainties regarding healing, hope, and possibilities. some of which your love addiction has kept you blinded by.
Here are the 20 Helpful Realities of Breaking Love Addiction:
1. Change is possible. Believe it.
2. You are not the cause of your partner's behaviors, choices, or thoughts. nothing you did or said, or did do or say, has anything to do with who she/he 'truly is'. His or her dysfunction is NOT ABOUT YOU.
3. You have the internal strength needed to grow- if only you allow it successfully.
4. You have choices: a choice to take actions that serve your wellbeing or not-- as a grown-up, the choice is yours.
5. All efforts to produce positive change must focus on your health, well-being, and possibilities (not a pathology/problem/disease).
6. Love addiction often feels like a problem much too difficult to overcome (like there is no way out)-- that is a lie! That is the love addiction talking.
7. You CAN make a choice to become your choice maker, agent, and architect of your life and relationships. Choose now- it is a right you have.
8. The problem is not the problem, coping is the problem-- addictive loving is nothing more than a way to cope in life (although unhealthy)... How we cope in life is changeable!
9. Emotions and feelings belong to us. Emotions and feelings validate our humanity. They are an essential aspect of experiencing self, life, and others. And ALL of your feelings are neither right nor wrong.
10. All human beings need to be validated and connected and find their inner treasure. YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. Therefore, YOU BELONG HERE ... therefore, YOU DESERVE to be validated, connected, and discover your inner treasure (right now, you may not even realize you have an inner treasure. You do!).
11. You cannot change past events - you CAN change their effects on you.
12. You were born on this earth to honor, respect, and value your personal wants, needs, and desires. This is not selfishness or egotism, or mean, it is healthy, functional, mature, and self-love).
13. You may think that pain and grief caused by love addiction will never go away (this is how I felt in my love addiction). You may wonder how you can survive and overcome it all, and make meaning out of what has happened-- you CAN and you WILL if you choose an effective recovery path (this was also my experience)
14. When working towards positive changes-- becoming healthier, healing, and becoming secure... Persistence matters - Significantly matters!
15. HOPE is a significant ingredient for change- you may feel there is no hope at this moment but keep in mind this is only a feeling, not a fact. Hope IS alive for you.
16. All of us have specific duties. The most important duty is to honor and value ALL of who you are, ALL of your strengths and flaws, ALL of your humanity. This we individually come to understand on our road to recovery.
17. You are not your love addiction. It is a problem in your life. It does NOT define 'who you are'. Don't let it. Be honest with yourself, "I am a love addict, but my Love Addiction IS NOT WHO I AM".
18. You are okay- just as you are. You are enough. This is what you will understand in recovery.
19. In relationships, never have you ever deserved crumbs- no matter what. Say no to anyone throwing you crumbs.
20. One more thing- if you are on a path of healing your love addiction... You are right where you are supposed to be!
This last reality (#20) may sound ridiculous if you are experiencing incredible pain or anxiety most love addicts are in the beginning of recovery. And I get it. Consider a personal experience of mine. It's brief, I promise...
Early in my treatment for love addiction, while experiencing severe withdrawal and seemingly falling through a toxic emotional black hole, I was sharing with a very good counselor (who truly understood this problem) how much shame and baffled I was feeling, "getting treatment for this stupid relationship problem." The shame I was carrying was profound.
She turned and looked me into my eyes to make sure she had my focus on what she was saying, and said, "Jim, you are right where you are supposed to be". I heard this and hated it at the time. I first thought, "I don't want to fucking be here! What do you mean I'm supposed to be here?; that's insane". Hearing this angered me because I was in such a bottomless painful pit and just wanted it all to stop, now. ----- Nevertheless, it wasn't until later that I understood what and why she made this statement.
She was right-- I didn't want to be where I was at, and who the hell would, right? But I was right where I was supposed to be at the time. If I didn't experience the pain and anguish at the time, if I didn't go through the treatment to learn what I needed to learn to change and grow ... then I would not be where I am today-- and certainly, would not be typing this article at this moment!
So now, I want to say to you, if you are suffering from love addiction...
Then please get on the recovery path, embrace these 20 realities above, and know "You are exactly where you are supposed to be". You're going to be okay. Take action on behalf of yourself now.
About the Author: Jim Hall MS is a former therapist turned Love addiction Specialist and Relationship Coach who helps individuals get over unhealthy attachment patterns, -- and develop the skills and self-assurance to acquire fulfilling love in their lives. Jim is also the author of three love addiction and recovery books and workbooks.
If you need help with love addiction- consider scheduling a session with Jim Hall, MS, Love/Relationship Addiction Expert, and Recovery Specialist., who solely specializes in the treatment of Love Addiction and Relationship Issues.
