Facing Your Feelings
By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Specialist
"Sometimes I couldn't tell you what I'm feeling if my life depended on it."
Does this statement sound familiar to you?
As love addicts, we frequently lose touch with the emotional parts of ourselves. Sometimes, we withdraw emotionally to avoid being crushed. Being vulnerable and exposing our inner selves is scary, and sometimes it feels harmful.
Hurt is piled upon hurt, and it appears no one seems to care. It seems safer to go away, cut ourselves off, and isolate. We become overloaded with pain, so we short-circuit to protect ourselves.
We may withdraw emotionally from certain people-- people may hurt us again. We do not trust, so we hide ourselves when we are around them.
When we come from a dysfunctional family system where we are forced to withdraw our emotions, the fear we feel carries into our adulthood. We were not allowed to be honest with our feelings, so we felt disgraced and alone when we had them.
We learned that we might be rejected and abandoned if we showed feelings. Covertly or overtly, we were told, "Don't feel that way"; in fact, "Don't even feel at all" may be the message we heard.
Growing up, we quickly learned that our feelings do not count and are somehow wrong. In a sense, we felt dehumanized if we were to show our feelings.
Our feelings were not listened to, and we felt they did not count-- so we quit listening to them altogether.
As adults, we sometimes try to force our feelings to disappear because we fear them. It may seem easier, at times, to not feel at all. We feel so much responsibility because we have taken on so much responsibility for others around us.
We feel like we are responsible for what others do, say, or feel. In fact, other people's feelings seem important, but we do not let ours be important.
Acknowledging how we feel would demand a decision- an action or change on our part. It would bring us face-to-face with reality. We would become aware of our wants and needs and what we may need to do differently. The fear of our feelings sometimes becomes too great.
Just how important are feelings anyway?
If you have ever been to counseling or have been in a recovery program, you were likely told you must "face your feelings." Many resist because it is not fun at first. It can feel agonizing. It can feel like we are falling down a deep black hole with no escape. It can feel like the top of our head is ripping off. For many of us, it can even feel like dying when first coming to face our feelings.
As challenging as initially, facing our feelings will not kill us. It will not make you crazy or make you go insane. With courage and 'surrender,' there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Coming to terms with our feelings heals.
We must let go of the lie that our feelings are unimportant. We must acknowledge our feelings are vital to who we are as precious human beings. We must learn to recognize that facing our feelings is critical to becoming emotionally healthy. Facing our feelings can help us recover.
Our feelings are important. They count. They matter.
The emotional part of us all is special. If we avoid our feelings and push them away, we lose an important part of our lives. Feelings are our source of joy, contentment, sadness, anger, and fear.
To be a human being is to have and feel all our feelings. The emotional part of us is the part that smiles, laughs, as well as cries, and feels sad. The emotional part of us allows us to feel close to others, love, and be vulnerable.
Feelings are indicators.
Our feelings are also indicators. They can give us clues about ourselves and our lives. They tell us where we are and what is happening around us when we listen. They can be motivators and protectors.
When we feel happy, we can know we are in a good place. Anger can help us solve a troublesome problem. Fear can encourage us to avoid certain dangers. Repeated hurt and emotional pain may tell us we must escape a person or situation.
Feelings are energy. Repressing feelings blocks energy. We do not do well when we repress and hide from our feelings. Repressing feelings does not make them go away. They linger, sometimes growing stronger, and cause us to do unhealthy things and make unhealthful choices.
When we try to hide from, escape from, discount, and withdraw from our feelings, we lose our positive feelings. We feel numb, nonexistent.
Feelings may not always feel good, but if we deny them, we deny ourselves the chance of real love, intimacy, and joy in our lives.
So what is the solution to learning to face your feelings?
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Start journaling, put your feelings on paper.
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Talk, share, and open up with a counselor.
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Do the same at 12-step meetings.
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Do these affirmations
Repeat the following affirmations five to ten times a day for two weeks-- Then every other day for two more weeks-- Continue them until they are naturally part of your conscious (record and listen to them repeatedly, if needed)I have a right to my feelings (good or bad), as do others
My feelings are important
My feelings matter
My feelings count
I am valuable no matter how I feel (sad, pain, joy, passion, etc.)
Today, I will listen to, honor, and validate my feelings
Feelings are not facts
My feelings do not define who I am as a person
Feelings are neither good nor bad, they simply are
About the Author: Jim Hall, MS, is a Love addiction Specialist and Relationship Coach who helps love addicts overcome insecure attachment patterns and develop the skills and self-assurance to acquire healthy, fulfilling love. Jim is also the author of three love addiction books and workbooks.
