Are You in a Committed Relationship with an Avoidant? - Quiz

By Jim Hall, MS

How can you know if your partner- boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband might be avoidant?

If you are love addicted or insecurely attached, you probably tend to draw romantic partners who are love avoidant. There are sure signs, behaviors, and manners an avoidant partner will display in relationships.

The Love Avoidant Test (below) can help you determine if your relationship partner may be a love avoidant or leans towards having an avoidant attachment. * See also the Love Addict test

Take the love avoidant test by reading each statement and answering with a Yes or No.

Am I in a Committed Relationship With an Avoidant - Quiz:

© Copyright Jim Hall, MS | www.loveaddictionhelp.com

Circle either Yes or No to the following statements:

1. My partner was great initially (attentive, complimentary, caring, affectionate, etc.) but gradually became more distant/shut down/uncaring.
   Yes __ No __
2. My partner is often critical of me (belittling, condescending, pointing out flaws or imperfections, etc.).
   Yes __ No __
3. My partner walks away during disagreements/arguments, may go away to “explode,” or may say to me, “Forget it; I don’t want to talk about it.”
   Yes __ No __
4. My partner is vague or unclear about what happened in his/her past relationships or why a relationship ended.
   Yes __ No __
5. My partner is unsupportive/unsympathetic when I need him/her most.
   Yes __ No __
6. My partner is self-centered, arrogant, selfish, and/or narcissistic.
   Yes __ No __
7. My partner blames me when we have problems/difficulties in our relationship.
   Yes __ No __
8. My partner refuses to say, “I love you”, but tries to imply otherwise.
   Yes __ No __
9. My partner is often compulsively focused outside our relationship (on work, hobbies, sports, gaming, surfing the Internet, shopping, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, etc.).
   Yes __ No __
10. My partner is resistant to seeking outside help such as therapy/counseling (for him/herself; or the relationship); views seeking professional help as a weakness or waste of time.
    Yes __ No __
11. My partner avoids physical closeness, such as holding hands, caressing, hugging, walking ahead, sleeping in a separate bed, etc.
    Yes __ No __
12. My partner wants to manage/control most aspects of our relationship (rigid view of how relationships should be; uncompromising rules).
    Yes __ No __
13. My partner may“show up” relationally (becoming considerate, loving, attentive, etc.) – but ONLY after I emotionally/physically pull away, detach, or “give up”.
    Yes __ No __
14. My partner thinks only of his/her relationship needs/wants as important, yet discounts, or disregards my own.
    Yes __ No __
15. My partner withholds important information from me.
    Yes __ No __
16. My partner seldom makes his/her intentions clear, leaving me guessing as to what he/she is thinking or feeling.
    Yes __ No __
17. My partner often puts up walls or creates problems/drama when things seem to be going well.
    Yes __ No __
18. My partner has a secret life away from me in the relationship (hides parts of his/her life).
    Yes __ No __
19. My partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his/her behaviors that contribute to our relationship problems.
    Yes __ No __
20. My partner uses the “silent treatment” to control, create, or maintain emotional distance.
    Yes __ No __
21. My partner is frequently unwilling to talk about our relationship issues.
    Yes __ No __
22. My partner asserts that “I need to stop analyzing everything.”
    Yes __ No ___
23. My partner complains that no matter what he/she does, it is never enough.
    Yes __ No ___
24. My partner becomes angry, cynical, and defensive when I want to discuss or resolve a relationship conflict and/or communicate my own needs/wants (e.g., affection/intimacy, more time together, etc.).
    Yes __ No __
25. My partner denies or represses emotions rather than expresses them.
    Yes __ No __
26. My partner seldom displays appreciation and gratitude.
    Yes __ No __
27. My partner complains that I am too needy/sensitive/demanding.
    Yes __ No __
28. My partner is someone whom I am not sure I truly know.  
    Yes __ No __
29. My partner is hyper-focused on independence and self-reliance.
    Yes __ No __
30. My partner may at times say something to me, and later say he/she never said it.
    Yes __ No __
31. My partner is cold, indifferent, or distant to anything related to vulnerability/feelings.
    Yes __ No __
32. My partner keeps so busy that there is little to no relational time.
    Yes __ No __
33. My partner seldom shares his/her relationship needs/wants/hopes.
    Yes __ No __
34. My partner lacks empathy and/or sympathy with me and/or others.
    Yes __ No __
35. My partner idealizes/romanticizes a previous relationship/partner.
    Yes __ No __
36. My partner believes that taking care of me (by providing and doing), is adequate proof that he/she loves me.
    Yes __ No __
37. My partner suggests that only he/she knows what should or should not be done in our relationship.
    Yes __ No __
38. My partner sends mixed messages (i.e., “he says he loves me, but his actions say otherwise”; “she talks about our long-term future relationship together, yet refuses to commit”; “he’s warned me up front that he is a ‘bad boyfriend/not relationship material’, yet still sticks around”,  etc.)
    Yes __ No __
39. My partner frequently wants to escape the relationship (wanting space or alone time).
    Yes __ No __
40. My partner rarely provides me with reassurance that he/she is entirely dedicated to the long-term growth of our relationship; he/she seems to have “one foot out of the door.”
    Yes __ No __
41. My partner believes sharing/expressing feelings and emotions is a sign of weakness.
    Yes __ No __
42. My partner spends more time away from the relationship than seems normal.
    Yes __ No __
43. My partner evades intimacy/closeness with an addiction (drinking, drug use, gambling, porn, or other addictive behavior).
    Yes __ No __
44. My partner has had an affair or one-night stand in the course of our relationship.
    Yes __ No __
45. My partner uses porn/masturbation to avoid intimacy, or escape from the pressures in the relationship.
    Yes __ No __
46. My partner commonly withholds sex.
    Yes __ No __
47. My partner may consider my needs/wants regarding a certain matter and then disregard them soon after.
    Yes __ No __
48. My partner is emotionally and/or physically abusive.
    Yes __ No __
49. My partner often eludes making specific plans or commitments (plans/commitments are often unclear).
    Yes __ No __
50. My partner seems unconcerned about whether I am happy/satisfied in our relationship.
    Yes __ No __
    

* If you answered yes to at least five or more of these statements, your partner almost certainly leans on being insecurely Avoidant.  

Remember that there are varying degrees of Love Avoidance, so even if you do not answer yes to all (or a majority) of the questions, your partner can still be avoidantly attached.

Avoidant partners often struggle with intimacy not necessarily because they don't care or aren't interested in their partner, but because they have a deep-seated fear of emotional closeness. This fear can stem from past experiences, such as childhood trauma, neglect, or a general lack of emotional connection growing up. They might appear distant, aloof, or even disinterested, but it's often a defense mechanism to protect themselves from vulnerability or potential hurt.

If you identify as a love addict or have an anxious attachment style, being in a relationship with a love avoidant partner can be challenging.

Here's why:

1. Attachment Mismatch: Anxious attachment tends to crave closeness, reassurance, and emotional connection, while avoidant attachment resists intimacy and often needs space. This creates a push-pull dynamic, where the more the anxious partner seeks connection, the more the avoidant partner pulls away.

2. Reinforcement of Each Other's Patterns: Love addicts often fear abandonment and seek validation from their partner, which can lead them to cling even more in response to emotional distance. On the other hand, avoidants may interpret this need for closeness as overwhelming, which reinforces their tendency to withdraw.

3. Emotional Roller Coaster: This dynamic can lead to emotional highs and lows—moments of intense closeness followed by sudden distance. This inconsistency can heighten anxiety for a love addict, creating a cycle of insecurity and dependency.

4. Growth Opportunities: While these types of relationships can be challenging, they can also be opportunities for growth. The anxious partner can work on developing self-soothing techniques, fostering self-love, and reducing dependency on the partner for emotional security. The avoidant partner can learn to tolerate emotional intimacy and build trust in their partner.

5. Communication and Boundaries: Clear, compassionate communication and healthy boundaries are crucial. Both partners will need to recognize their own attachment triggers and work toward a more balanced and secure dynamic. Therapy can also be a helpful tool for navigating these complexities.

Ultimately, while these relationships can work, they require a lot of self-awareness, mutual respect, and effort to break free from the unhealthy patterns that may arise.

Related reading:

12 Distancing Strategies the Love Avoidant Uses To Evade Intimacy

 Top 6 Signs of  a Love Avoidant

What is Love Addiction Withdrawal?

11 Ways To Stop An Obsession Over An Ex-Partner After A Breakup

Love Addiction Cycle: Love Addict and Love Avoidant

 
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