How to Stop Obsessing Over an Ex: 11 Powerful Techniques
By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Relationship Expert
Are you obsessing over your ex and it feels like it will never stop? Can't stop thinking of a failed relationship? Are obsessive thoughts over a breakup causing you pain and anxiety and keeping you from moving on? How can you stop obsessing over an ex?
Whether you are obsessing over a breakup and the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, ex-husband or wife, or rejection from an avoidant or narcissistic ex — in this article, you will learn eleven useful strategies on how to stop your love obsession and start feeling better.
Article Summary:
Signs of obsessive love
How a breakup can trigger ongoing obsession
How to Stop obsessing over an ex
What Being Obsessed With An Ex Can Look Like:
"She was 'perfect' in our first six months. I'm consumed getting that back, and what went wrong and why she flipped and treats me like the enemy."
"I stalked my ex I was obsessed with by creating a fake Facebook account, Friended the new girlfriend to see what he was up to, see pictures... kept the account until they broke up nine months later; it was so painful and only fueled the toxic attachment I had."
"In all my relationships, I get consumed with a guy, and he becomes my sole focus, and I will do anything to keep him, no matter how bad or toxic he is."
"I dated a guy who ended it after two weeks; I crumbled in pain and rejection... and since, I've been stalking him, repeatedly calling and texting, and I cannot get him out of my mind."
"Since after the breakup, I can't stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend... what he's thinking, doing, who he is with, it goes on and on!"
"The preoccupation for her is relentless. One repeated image I keep having is how she'll be the person I wanted with her new boyfriend. It's killing me."
When you're obsessed with your ex:
When you're obsessed with your ex, you will typically encounter excessive, persistent thoughts or images that may intensify to the point of compulsions (behaviors that go against your best interest).
People can get obsessed with almost anyone, even someone they never met. In this article, however, we are addressing those obsessed with a romantic interest—typically an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband or ex-wife, crush, and often an ex-partner who was love avoidant and/or a narcissist.
Signs and Symptoms of a Love Obsession
Here are some signs or symptoms when someone is obsessed over an ex-partner after a breakup:
- You ruminate over your past relationship.
- You overthink things and neglect important parts of your life.
- You can't talk about anything else but him or her.
- You feel addicted to the person.
- You feel confused, anxious, or despair.
- Your 'crazed' thoughts seem uncontrollable and unending.
- You fantasize about what could be, should be, or will be.
- You persistently think of your ex with a new girlfriend or boyfriend.
- You believe your obsession means you are in love with the person.
- You feel you have a spiritual or "soul-mate" connection.
- You cast all his or her negative attributes aside.
- You say inappropriate things or act in self-defeating ways.
- You can't focus, eat, or sleep.
- You neglect friends and family.
Ongoing obsessive thoughts and rumination over an ex and past relationship can be a very distressing experience.
A love obsession can be associated with jealousy, controlling, and erratic or self-defeating behaviors. Internal emotions of shame, guilt, regret, betrayal, envy, and anger tend to reinforce the preoccupied emotional state.
Some obsessions can feel positive or blissful (in early love)—"I'm consumed with thinking of my new boyfriend and the perfect relationship we'll have." But these 'highs', or what I call fantasy obsessions, are usually short-lived.
Obsession over a person is typical at the beginning of a relationship.
Science has shown becoming obsessed with a love interest is entirely expected for most people at the beginning of an early romance.
You can go through a stage of feeling love-struck. You feel euphoric when you get his/her call or text.
You think of little else but your new lover and want to spend as much time with him/her as possible.
But after this early infatuation fades, most people experience a healthy transition to the attachment stage—where emotional intensity subsides, and a secure bond and commitment take place, one based on trust, respect, and companionship.
Obsessive lovers never get past the early obsessive phase—this is where love turns into an unhealthy compulsive love (which is not true love).
After the early stages, obsession over a person and a relationship continues and intensifies. And may go up and down depending on what's happening in the relationship.
Unhealthy love obsession may skyrocket when rejection is felt.
Rejection often breeds obsession. Preoccupation and intrusive thinking can be at their pinnacle when an obsessive lover feels unwanted or rejected (real or perceived) by their love object.
Two situations that often intensify love-obsessed thinking over a relationship:
- When a partner displays distancing behaviors or fails to reciprocate feelings/affection (usually avoidant or narcissistic partner).
- When a relationship ends through a breakup or divorce (it doesn't have to be a committed one or long term).
Some obsessive lovers get into relationships with narcissistic individuals.
Others get involved with love avoidant individuals (narcissists are also avoidant)—both are unresponsive to their partner's needs and tend to shun intimacy and closeness continuously.
Whether you're attached to someone avoidant and/or narcissistic - you may frequently feel rejected or abandoned by their behaviors and inability to respond in a secure manner, thus triggering undesired thinking and feelings of abandonment.
Obsessed over an ex-partner after a breakup or divorce
Circumstances that ignite perhaps the most pain-ridden obsessions occur when a relationship ends.
Whether through a breakup, divorce, or a love object leaving—when the person is no longer attainable, painful consumed thoughts can often reach their pinnacle for the obsessed (see love withdrawal). And it can feel devastating.
In extreme cases (less common), obsessive love can be dangerous or deadly when a fixated lover is rejected or pushed away by a love interest—see pathological obsessive love.
What can you do to deal with obsessive love thoughts about an ex?
If you're feeling stuck, it is time to take care of yourself and do something about it.
Although getting rid of the fixated state of mind is not easy, it's crucial that you do. And it is possible.
So whether you're obsessed with an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband or ex-wife—these "breaking love obsession" techniques can help you find clarity and calm. You may be surprised by how effective they can be to help you.
11 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex
1. Acceptance
Accept you are obsessed with someone and that is a problem you need to address. When we are ready to accept responsibility for situations in our lives, healthy change and growth become possible.
Acceptance may seem trivial, but it is not. It is the first step to getting where you want to go - to stop the unhealthy fixation.
Action Steps:
- Accept you are obsessed with a person, that you are responsible - and it's a problem you need (want) to address
- Make your admission to yourself and speak to your heart when doing so. Example affirmation:
"I am obsessed with this person. It is not my fault, but it is my responsibility to do something to defeat it. And I will do just that."
2. Knock Him or Her Off the Pedestal
Obsessive lovers tend to put their object of affection on a pedestal or view them as omnipotent, 'better than,' or impossible to replace. This thinking is a delusion.
The Small Box Visualization Technique:
- Visualize: Imagine the person very small and putting them in a box with all your obsessive thoughts
- Shrink: Visualize the box gradually shrinking
- Disintegrate: Imagine the box disappearing completely
Optional additions:
- Visualize crushing the box with your foot
- Imagine pinching the box into tiny crumbs and burning it
- Verbalize affirmations like "You are meaningless to me"
3. Cut the Source - Going No Contact
Cutting the source (love object) and creating distance with a No Contact Rule is crucial to dealing with relentless thinking about someone.
Action Steps:
- Commit to No Contact:
Disengage completely - no calls, texts, messages, emails, or social media. Remove all reminders like photos, gifts, and messages.
- Remind yourself why:
Keep reminders of why no contact is crucial when you feel tempted to break it.
4. Break the "If Only..." Intrusions
Don't give in to distorted "if only... then things would be different" obsessive thinking.
Exercise:
- Write down your "if only" thoughts
- Journal about whether these thoughts are truly realistic
- Ask yourself:
- Would fulfilling these thoughts really have changed the outcome?
- Was all the responsibility really on you?
5. The Reality Check Tactic
Counter obsessive thinking with reality by examining both positive and negative aspects of the relationship.
Exercise:
- Write down the gains (positive aspects)
- Write down the pains (negative aspects)
- Compare both lists
- Answer: "Did this relationship enhance my life or sabotage it?"
6. Stop the Self-Shaming
Counter negative inner voices with positive affirmations.
Exercise:
- Identify your shaming thoughts (write them down)
- Create positive affirmations to counter each one
- Review regularly
Example Affirmations:
- "I deserve love and respect despite my imperfections"
- "I am enough just as I am"
- "I deserve a fulfilling relationship"
7. Distraction - Action
Keep busy with positive activities to interrupt obsessive thinking.
Action Steps:
- Create a distraction activity list
- Schedule these activities during vulnerable times
Activity Ideas:
- Volunteer work
- Join groups or classes
- Read books or watch movies (avoid romance)
8. Rubber Band Thought-Stopping Tool
Use physical interruption to stop obsessive thoughts.
Technique:
- Wear a rubber band on your wrist
- When obsessive thoughts arise, snap the band
- Say "STOP" firmly
- Replace with a positive affirmation
9. Surrender to the Love Obsessions
Rather than fighting thoughts, allow them to pass through.
Technique:
- Permit yourself to briefly observe the thoughts
- Imagine them floating away
- Use the Serenity Prayer as a reminder
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
10. Seek Supportive Outlets
Connect with others who can provide healthy perspectives.
Support Options:
- Trusted friends/family
- Therapists or coaches
- Support groups (CoDA, SLAA, etc.)
11. Shift Your Obsession to Positive Obsessions
Redirect your focus to healthy preoccupations.
Positive Obsession Ideas:
- Your health: Nutrition, exercise, wellness
- Your values: Living with integrity
- Reality about your ex: Focus on their flaws and red flags
Experiencing Love Obsession is often anxiety-ridden and painful.
Final Thoughts
Constant obsessive thoughts of an ex partner are intense and painful and can feel like easily throwing our lives out of whack.
Understand that having difficulty curbing obsessive thoughts about an ex doesn't mean you are broken. You are not. Know you will get through this.
Apply these techniques consistently and be patient with yourself.
Important: If obsession persists, consider professional help. Seeking help is an act of strength, not weakness. It takes strength and courage (not weakness) to reach out for help and advice-- Make yourself and your well-being a priority, no matter what.
KEEP UPDATED! ...
Join my Newsletter for the latest tips, articles, upcoming courses, and more!
