Love Addiction Cycle: Love Addict and Love Avoidant
By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Expert, Relationship Coach
In this article, you will learn about the Love Addiction Cycle that occurs in addictive relationships between the love addict and the love avoidant, involving a toxic "push-pull" cycle full of effusive highs and lows that are driven by the love addict's intense fear of abandonment and the love avoidant intense fear of intimacy.
Love Addiction is a compulsive, unhealthy dependency in relationships that negatively affects both the love addict and avoidant - denial, fantasy, and impaired expectations fuel love addiction.
When a Love Addict and a Love Avoidant come together to form an addictive relationship--- a familiar and predictable cycle gets ignited.
It is an unhealthy attachment relationship pattern I call the Love Addiction Cycle.
As you'll see, this love addict-love avoidant cycle demonstrates how they begin and progress through their relationship. It's an unhealthy, toxic cycle that encompasses a distressful 'push-pull dance' full of emotional highs mixed with many lows, where the Love Addict is on the chase, and the Love Avoidant is on the run.
The exhilarating “highs” for love addicts are noticeably prominent at the beginning of an addictive relationship.
As this Addictive Relationship Cycle progresses, anxiety over the level of closeness or distance drives both the pursuer (love addict) and distancer (avoidant) in a 'crazy-making, yo-yo dance'-- sooner or later, resulting in both partners feeling distressed, depressed, and miserable in the relationship, particularly if the love addict enters love withdrawal.
What causes the love addiction cycle between a love avoidant and a love addict?
The short answer: this cycle is driven by the love addict's strong fear of abandonment, which clashes with a love avoidant's strong fear of intimacy
When a love avoidant senses the love addict's desire for closeness and intimate connection, it triggers their strong fear of intimacy-- for intimacy and closeness is equal to being engulfed, stifled, and controlled. * Note: Avoidants also have an underlying fear of abandonment, while Love Addicts also have an underlying fear of intimacy.
These core fears drive the repellent forces of each partner, thus creating the toxic love addiction cycle.
The love addiction cycle entails the love addict avoidant cycle in an addictive relationship - described in the love addiction chart below.
Love Addiction Cycle
Emotional and Behavioral Cycle Between the Love Addict and Love Avoidant
LOVE AVOIDANT (Lav) |
LOVE ADDICT (La) |
1. Attraction- high intensity ("chemistry"); an immediate urge to rush
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Comes on strong; the facade of availability & strength connects with emotional walls; seductive, charming, flattering; says things to make you feel special or unique; may make promises; idealizes; gets a “high” from others' neediness, and vulnerability. |
Adores attention; feels important, validated & special from the attention given; fantasy and obsession triggered- intoxicating “high”; denies reality- ignores red flags; idealizes-- "He/she is perfect", Magical “Prince” or “Princess “; see other as strong, more powerful. |
2. The relationship progresses- intensity decreases for Lav; Obsession increases for La
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Still engaged, but less idealizing; "high" dissipates; less attention/focus; begins to feel discomfort from partner attempts to create more connection and closeness; slowly begins pulling away with subtle distancing tactics to avoid intimacy/vulnerability. |
Completely preoccupied/obsessed; and “hooked”; obsession and fantasy intensify; dependency skyrockets; abandon outside interests, goals, friends/family; increases attempts to keep the intensity, “high” maintained; denies the emotional partner's unavailability/walls. |
3. Push-Pull dance significantly increases (drama triangle also begins here)
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Feelings of engulfment/suffocation by partner's attempt to connect intensify- a dramatic increase in evading intimate contact, pushing a partner away (walls); increased focus away/outside |
Begins more and more to notice partners' walls, and distancing behaviors; anxiety and discomfort arise. Obsession and denial deepen; escalates attempts to connect- may manipulate, demand, and control in attempts to re-capture “high” (attention), relationship intensity. |
4. Push-pull /drama dance in full force; La- pursuing desperately; Lav- walls increase
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Avoidance/walls, distancing behaviors at its height- evading intimacy through tactics of resentment, anger, deflection, blame; looks down on partner, perceives as “weak”, "needy", "sensitive" as partner seeks intimate contact; becomes more critical, abusive; may increase the use of compulsive behaviors/addiction outside the relationship for intensity/”high”. |
Denial of partner breaking- fantasy crumbling; a sense of shock, disbelief of partners walls; triggered feelings of rejection, panic, depression; the intense rise of obsession; bargains, blames self for partners behaviors; placates more, tolerates more, gives and does more, to attain fantasy and try returning to the relationship, "the way it uses to be”. |
5. Various scenarios occur at this point of the LOVE ADDICTION cycle
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The Avoidant may occasionally give attention/focus to the love addict partner's desires (recreating intensity)-- this is often done out of guilt and/or fear partner will leave. However, turning toward their partner is short-lived. |
With a crumb of attention, the Love addict feels “high”/ relieved from the avoidant's momentary attention/focus on the relationship; fantasy/hopes reignited, fuels further denial of the reality of the avoidant partner. |
LOVE ADDICTION RELATIONSHIP ENDS: |
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The Avoidant leaves the relationship (may blame their partner for relationship failure), moves on to repeat the same cycle with another love addict; and/or engages in addiction/compulsion (sex, gambling, drugs, alcohol, etc.). |
Love addict enters withdrawal-- may seek out another relationship and repeat the same cycle with another avoidant or medicates with another addiction to escape emotional pain-- and/or, craving and obsession of ex-partner continues, in addition to owning all responsibility for the failure of a relationship.
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A love addict may leave the relationship as they become so burned out from trying to chase their partner to connect and feel closer in the relationship. Still, because of the loss of the fantasy (the real drug), the withdrawal will occur, and again, the love addict may quickly seek another relationship to repeat the same cycle or medicate with another addiction. * And for the lucky ones, decide to get help, and enter recovery to change their relationship patterns, the way they love, and who they love (encouraged!) Love Avoidant may try returning to the relationship In response to the Love addict leaving, the Avoidant may experience withdrawal- triggering pain/abandonment-- and decide to seduce, charm, and convince the love addict to return to him/her ... They may revert to "the person they were in the beginning", by ‘giving’ loads of attention, and compliments, making new promises, apologizing for wrongs, etc. ... If a love addict’s fantasy is triggered all over again-- then the relationship cycle is repeated. |
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Love Addiction Cycle vs Healthy Relationship Cycle
Addictive relationships are insecure and unhealthy-- since both partners are insecurely attached. In relationships, the love addict and avoidant become repellants to one another.
In a healthy/secure relationship— couples cycle between engaging in intimate closeness and mutually withdrawing to integrate into their respective senses of self.
Put another way-- couples in a secure relationship engage in healthy equilibrium through periods of connection, disconnection, and re-connection resembling a healthy dance. It’s the natural ebb and flow of secure and loving partnerships... it is a healthy dance.
Whereas in an addictive-insecure relationship-- both partners end up becoming asynchronous in closeness and distance, thus creating a persistent, unhealthy, and discouraging cycle.
The cycle between the two is polarized in opposite roles and repeatedly creates a drama-filled, toxic pattern—a 'toxic dance'. Both eventually become dissatisfied and feel like they are losing themselves, but they don't know why.
This poisonous dependency cycle is a perpetuating roller coaster ride for both partners-- and can go back and forth for months, years, or decades.
And it's important to keep in mind, that even if the relationship cycle ends with one partner, the love addict and avoidant will move on to find another romantic relationship to repeat the cycle - unless one or both step into an effective recovery and healing process.
People can go through their whole lives repeating this cycle in romantic relationships.
How to Stop the Love Addiction Cycle
Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in love addiction.
Recovery from love addiction can lead to unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship patterns changing over time.
Dealing with the core underlying issues that drive love addiction, you can make profound changes in the way you love.
And addressing the core issues with an expert, step by step, you can grow into a secure and self-loving adult who no longer gets sucked into unhealthy relational cycles but instead embraces real intimacy and mutual connection.
Overcoming the love addiction relationship cycle is possible!
Related Articles:
11 Ways To Stop An Obsession Over An Ex
12 Distancing Strategies Love Avoidants Use To Evade Intimacy
Love Addiction Cycle: Love Addict and Love Avoidant
15 Signs You're Dating an Avoidant: Why it Matters and What to Do
6 Essential Signs that Make a Secure Relationship
Love Addiction Withdrawal: What it means and how to deal with it
Is Your Relationship Partner a Love Avoidant?
30 Relationship Expectations You Should Have - Always!
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