What is a Love Avoidant?

Love Avoidant man looking down and seeming distant

By Jim Hall MS, Love Addiction Coach, Relationship Specialist
love addiction recovery

Love addicts and anxiously attached individuals commonly form romantic relationships with one type of person -- an Avoidantly Attached or love-avoidant (who also can be narcissistic). These partners have an insecure-avoidant attachment style (avoidant), are emotionally unavailable in relationships, and are distant from their partners when they come too close.

They have a great fear of Intimacy, closeness, and vulnerability—and as a result, evade Intimacy and closeness with romantic partners at all costs.

Intimacy and closeness to an avoidant feel equal to being engulfed, controlled, and smothered.

Underneath their fear of Intimacy is a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.

The boundaries of an avoidant are as unhealthy as love addicts. But in contrast to a love addict's blurred or nonexistent boundaries, Love Avoidants' boundaries tend to be rigid, closed off, or walled up.

They are naturally inclined to get nervous and fearful when others display vulnerability and try to connect intimately.

When a relationship starts to feel too close, they progressively distance themselves.

Some have extended patterns of short-term relationships, jumping from one relationship to another. Others may stay in a relationship for the long haul— but it is most often a relationship that lacks genuine connection and satisfaction.

Still, others may avoid romantic and sexual relationships for extended periods (years) and occasionally all their lives.

On the outside, avoidants often exhibit a seemingly friendly and self-confident exterior, even at times appearing vulnerable—the reality is they fear being known and will let no one in.

A relationship partner may get occasional glimpses of their authentic self— just enough to get their hopes up— only to see them retreat behind their emotional walls.

Love Avoidant Signs and Characteristics

Intense fear of intimacy/closeness; vulnerability
Anxiety around expressing or sharing inner reality (feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants)
Look down on their partner and become more distant the more they try to connect
Lacks spontaneity
Resistance to risk-taking (status quo' in relationships)
Seeking intensity outside the relationship- to avoid connection inside a relationship.
A need to appear and behave emotionally independent and strong (vs. embracing interdependence- healthy in relationships)
Views expressing feelings/vulnerability as a 'weakness' (which it is not)
Avoids Intimacy by the use of distancing behaviors/tactics
A deep fear of being hurt/rejected/abandoned, "if another truly knows me"
Feeling guilty for not doing or being 'enough' in a relationship (but rarely will express it)
Difficulty being vulnerable enough to talk/resolve relationship conflicts

Love avoidants commonly enter relationships with insecurely attached love addicts.

Love Avoidants are individuals who love addicts 'love to love' and vice versa- at least at the beginning of the relationship and vice-versa.

For a love addict, it can feel quite confusing or perhaps shocking to notice the contrast between their partner in the initial stages of a relationship compared to the later stages, where they seemingly disappear emotionally.

Avoidants tend NOT to choose a genuinely secure relationship partner (with healthy self-worth and boundaries) but tend to choose insecure with core relational boundaries and self-esteem issues-- it goes both ways.

Both are insecurely attached. Avoidants usually start relationships wanting to form an immediate attachment, idealizing the new person in their life (as the love addict does).

They usually move swiftly and with great intensity to win a person over through acts of seduction.

They tend to be charming, flattering, and attentive-- presenting a false image of themselves, causing a person who is a love addict to feel quite validated and "special."

Avoidants may give an appearance that they are emotionally available while appearing strong, secure, and stable; but later in a romantic relationship reveal the extent of their defensive walls through denying problems, frozen feelings, and emotional inaccessibility-- leaving their relationship partner quite confused as to why they are, more and more, emotionally turning their backs.

Any attempt to get too close makes the avoidant feel as if they are suffocating and causes them to push their partner away.

They often expect their partner to meet their needs and desires, but give little attention or focus to meeting the essential needs and desires of their partner-- for an avoidant to do so, would reveal intimate contact and vulnerability (remember, this is their core fear).

Love Avoidant Evades Intimacy, Closeness, and Emotional Vulnerability

Because they fear Intimacy and emotional connection, they create emotional walls by utilizing many distancing tactics or behaviors to elude intimate contact, such as stone-walling, passive-aggressiveness, gaslighting, and belittling.

When inevitable conflicts arise, instead of trying to negotiate or come to a resolution, they may blame or accuse their partner of being the whole problem, have no accountability, or unexpectedly become angry and accuse their partner of not doing enough or caring enough.

They may undermine or sabotage their partner's attempts to improve the relationship.

Love Avoidance on a Spectrum

I have come to view Love Avoidance on a spectrum. Some have more severe intimacy issues, and some are less so.

There are those with avoidance issues at the lower end of the spectrum. In such cases, I believe it is possible to form a healthy and satisfying relationship IF both partners are willing to do individual work on themselves and the relationship.

Then there are those with avoidance issues who are on the mid to upper spectrum, where their defenses and emotional walls are so thick that the possibility of forming a fulfilling love relationship is virtually impossible.

Love Avoidants Can Be Narcissistic

Avoidants are prone to narcissism. Most have some narcissistic traits that can show up in relationships, yet not all of them are full-blown narcissists.

Nonetheless, Love Avoidants who are near or on the higher Avoidance Spectrum is, more often than not, narcissistic individuals and may qualify as having out-and-out Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Example Of Narcissistic Traits You Might Recognize In An Avoidant Partner

•   Lack of empathy.
•   High sense of entitlement.
•   View self as "better than"/stronger/superior to others.
•   Sensitive to differing views expressed- often becomes defensive or attacks others.
•   Strong desire for others to look up to them/put them on a pedestal.
•   Needs constant recognition, admiration, and attention- but only on a superficial level.
•   Inflate talents, achievements, or responsibilities to appear important/above others.
•   Expect others (a partner) to anticipate their every need and become angry/ disappointed when needs/desires are unmet-- resulting in devaluing another.
•   Expect you to read their mind; when you don't, it is proof that you don't care or love them enough.
• Have difficulty taking responsibility – instead, they blame (you/others). When arguments happen, they rarely admit defeat since admitting they might be wrong (vulnerability) is to be controlled and look weak- in their dysfunctional eyes.

About Author: Jim Hall MS is a Love Addiction Specialist, Online Relationship Coach, and Author of 3 Books on Love Addiction and Recovering. As a leading relationship expert, Jim gives hope to those struggling with love addiction and insecure attachment styles- offering quality guidance towards a healthy path to breaking obsessive love patterns and healing from love withdrawal caused by a breakup. - more about Jim