6 Essential Signs that Make a Secure Relationship
You don't need a secure attachment style to experience a happy, fulfilling relationship -- Knowledge is Key.
That's why in this article you will learn about S.E.C.U.R.E. -- which describes the six fundamental overlapping qualities that make up a healthy, secure-based relationship.
Article Summary:
Signs of a secure relationship
What a secure relationship looks and feels like
Six overlapping qualities that make up secure relationships
The experience of a secure, healthy relationship is not a familiar one for many, particularly for those with an insecure attachment style (e.g., anxiously attached love addict or avoidant).
Whether we realize it or not, most of us desire to have a securely attached relationship.
Secure relationships contribute to our well-being and healthier functioning.
There's a good chance you know when you're in a Secure Relationship. You don't feel embittered, worried, or consumed. Instead, you feel content, satisfied, and hopeful in such relationships.
In contrast, when you're in an Addictive or Insecurely Romantic Attachment, you feel overly dependent, obsessed, confused, and if you're avoidant, engulfed. And though you may feel an occasional "high," the anxious, disconnected, and unfulfilled feelings run chronically.
For many it's familiarity. As a child, if we grow up with parents or primary caregivers where the example of a relationship was troubled or less than healthy/secure-- then, through no fault of our own, we will perceive this example as the norm, it becomes our relationship schema on how intimate connections are supposed to be (unhealthy/insecure).
Consequently, we grow into adulthood mimicking what we learned, choosing romantic relationships and lovers that feel all too familiar- unhealthy, anxious, and obsessive.
Here is the thing:
We can't change what we experienced in childhood.
We can, however, change our relationship schema-- how we view romantic relationships-- our perception of how relationships should actually look and feel. You don't have to read tons of literature to make this change.
You don't even have to have a secure attachment style either. Awareness is key to gaining a new understanding of what relationships should look and feel.
One helpful way to gain a new understanding of secure relationships to change old insecure schema is by utilizing the S.E.C.U.R.E. acronym.
As you will see below-- S.E.C.U.R.E. outlines six crucial overlapping qualities that make up a secure relationship.
You can use S.E.C.U.R.E. to help you (or someone you know) keep a sense of what a healthy, secure relationship looks or feels like (its meaning/concept). Keep mindful of S.E.C.U.R.E. to help you strive for these essential qualities in your relationships. You can also use this to help you clarify whether a current relationship is secure or insecure. If S.E.C.U.R.E. doesn't much represent your relationship, then it's likely an insecure or addictive relationship.
S.E.C.U.R.E. LOVE
What a Secure Relationship Can Look and Feel Like if You're In One
Safety:
You consistently feel safe and protected being together. You trust each other and see each other as reliable. You feel secure in disclosing vulnerabilities or sharing inner heartfelt thoughts or feelings.
You each treat one another not like an enemy, but as the one who matters most. If you feel anxious or unsure, you can turn to your partner to lean on. Physical or emotional abuse is non-existent.
You know where you stand together. Even when you're apart, you feel confident in your connection together. You sense things will work out during conflicts, and you never worry much about losing your partner.
Esteem:
Romantic partners in a secure relationship hold each other in high regard. You know your partner wants you, and you want your partner.
You feel appreciative and grateful to share and experience your lives together.
You like and love each other on the inside as much as on the outside. You cherish each other's unique qualities and characteristics.
You genuinely care about each other's joys, fears, and hurts. You value one another despite having imperfections.
You don't view each other as being superior or inferior but as equally valuable and deserving of love.
Commitment:
Mutual commitment is foundational to a secure relationship. By making a genuine commitment to each other, you choose to love and prize the special bond you have.
You see each other as having the capacity to stick around for the long haul. You choose to honorably value each other's needs, wants, and wishes.
You don't downplay or minimize each other's words or promises-- you take them seriously and are accountable to them.
Love never has to be "earned"- but freely given and received through mutual devotion.
Dedication never ceases nor flounders when flaws are exposed-- but continues to grow and mature. Through ups and downs, good and bad times-- the commitment to one another endures.
Understanding:
You and your partner have understood "what you see is what you get"-- thus you've never fallen in love with an imaginary version of each other, but for the person you've come to know and the one you see today.
When you fail to understand one another, you seek to understand each other's points of view - which breeds intimacy and connection.
You wholeheartedly support most of each other's hopes and desires.
You know the importance of allowing for each other's autonomy and independence with a healthy balance of dependency. In your relationship, you each connect at a deeper emotional level with empathic understanding.
Respect:
Secure, loving relationships and mutual respect go hand in hand. You each share a deep respect for one another, including each other's commonalities and differences.
You see each other as the best of friends. You are supportive and caring for each other's endeavors, allowing their freedom to make choices without controlling or undermining his/her confidence.
Respect says, "I see you, hear you, your reality is important, and you matter as equally as myself." Unconditional acceptance reveals this deep respect you have for one another - This does not mean you should tolerate unhealthy behaviors (e.g., addiction problems, controlling behaviors, abuse)-- a sign of self-respect.
Effective Communication:
Effective communication is a must to sustain intimacy and closeness in a relationship. You and your partner communicate transparently and actively.
You're mentally "checked in," not shut out or turned away. You are honest when sharing thoughts and feelings. You express needs, wants, and expectations directly and congruently. You always take the well-being of each other into account.
When conflicts arise, you focus on a resolution by talking/listening and compromising-- doing so in a caring and nonaccusatory manner. Shared communication is never from a 'one-up' or 'one-down' position -- but encompasses the first five SECURE qualities above.
If You Want To Feel Secure In A Relationship Then Choose A Secure Relationship!
No relationship is perfect, but if you have a relationship where the S.E.C.U.R.E. qualities are present MOST of the time- it's a safe bet you are in a pretty darn good relationship.
Finding a romantic partnership and developing a long-term relationship with a person is a fundamental process that most of us strive to achieve. The success or failure of this venture can have significant consequences on our happiness, health, and well-being.
If you desire to have a happy, fulfilling romantic relationship that will enhance your life and ability to thrive-- be mindful of S.E.C.U.R.E-Strive for it, Expect it. It's about:
Safety
Esteem
Commitment
Understanding
Respect
Effective Communication
One last thing:
Don't buy into any false notion that given a shaky relationship history, you can't have a healthy, secure relationship. Even if all of your past relationships were troubled, addictive, or insecure, it doesn't mean you have to repeat this history. You CAN change past relationship patterns when you intentionally choose to do so.
Strive for S.E.C.U.R.E. Relationships
YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS!
Author: Jim Hall, MS, holds an M.S. in Counseling/Therapy, is a highly experienced Relationship-Recovery Coach, and author of three books on love addiction and recovery. With extensive expertise, Jim empowers individuals to break free from insecure attachment patterns and acquire healthy, fulfilling relationships.
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